One thing that both sides have to understand is the difference between them, and the common ground in the middle in which they can come to terms. So, let's examine some of the differences between the genders, and suggest where some of those common grounds are.
Men for the most part can sublimate their emotions, but can become slaves to their passions. Think about their passion for sports, cars, electronics, motorcycles and you know what I mean. The old adage "The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys." speaks to this quality.
Women, on the other hand, can sublimate their passions, but can become slaves to their emotions. This is because the two genders are meant to compliment each other. A man can encourage the woman in his life in her passions, thus giving more dimension to her life. The woman can gently encourage the man in his emotional expression, thus taking some of the stress out of his emotional life as well. Ladies, be warned however, that men tend to express their emotions in actions:fixing your car for you, watering your flowers, and fixing broken things in the house. Take these as the sweet gifts they are. They may bring you flowers on occasion, or take you out to dinner, but these are the deeper expressions of their feelings for you.
Women and men also are subject to bombardment from different hormones. Men are bombarded by testosterone, which increases their strength, their interest in sex, and in large amounts contribute to aggression, both physical and mental. Women are bombarded with estrogen, which increases their nurturing instinct, sexual interest, emotionalism, and territorialism. Women tend to be bombarded most strongly on a monthly basis, while men tend to be bombarded on a weekly basis. As you may have noticed, these peak times and what are involved in these peak times also coincide with when a woman is most fertile. This encourages the man to be willing and able to fight for, and win a woman, while she is more willing to be won, settle down and start a family. Of course, physically, a man is likely to be fertile any time during the month, which helps when you figure that the time of the month she is fertile migrates slowly over time through the different parts of the month. Thus, whenever she is fertile, he is likely to be ready.
Men tend to be confused about what a woman wants in a man. It is simple. She is looking for an alpha male. She is looking for a male that is strong enough to protect her and her children. She is looking for a man who is stronger than herself. Now, the problem is that what she considers strong depends widely from woman to woman. She is looking for the man who can best her in competition, but she chooses the competition, based on what she considers necessary for her children to be protected. She may choose physical strength and power, but she may also choose intelligence, ability to provide, or a nurturer. Once you know this, you can assess what she is looking for, and have a better chance to win.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
The Path to the Truce
It is important that men and women make peace, because the collateral damages aren't just to the men and women, (That's bad enough) but to children and other loved ones who can get caught up in the middle. There has been a lot of distrust between the genders for a very long time, and it doesn't appear to be getting any better. This is important to me, and in the next paragraph, I'll try to explain why.
What is our most basic building block of society? The family. What is the most basic building block of a family? The couple who start it. Sometimes a couple is all that ever is in a family, so it is very important that a couple be strong and whole. If the couple is not strong and whole, the family is...stunted. Negative emotions build and build, and even positive ones can become twisted if they are not expressed. The end result is a dysfunctional family that creates dysfunctional children, who grow up to start a dysfunctional family of their own. Since the family is the most basic building block of society, society becomes stunted and dysfunctional. This adds pressure to an already unstable relationship, and it becomes more unstable. Then society becomes more unstable. Do you see where I'm going with this?
In all of the discussions of equal rights, family values, affirmative action and so forth, the one thing that no one wants to discuss is how men work, how women work, and how they work together. This is one of the most important conversations, because this is where resolution begins. Oh, I've seen all the quizzes, the columns, the advice to the lovelorn and so on. They tend to be filled with words like "should", "can't", "won't", "must" and my personal favorite "stereotype". They speak of self actualization, boundaries, positive mental attitude, and perceptions. What they tend not to talk about is that little mad scientists' lab in our body called a hormonal system. They tend not to talk about the emotions, how strongly we are hit by them, or why. Technically, because of the chemical compounds we have bouncing around our bodies any given day, each of us is insane. The difference is, that men and women are insane in different ways. Testosterone in males creates aggression, sexuality, physical restlessness, strength and sometimes violence. Estrogen, on the other hand, creates passiveness, emotionalism, nurturing, and believe it or not, territorial ism. Over the next few days, we are going to discuss these chemical compounds, how we react to them, and how those reactions can be negative or positive, weak or strong. Stay tuned...it should be an interesting conversation.
What is our most basic building block of society? The family. What is the most basic building block of a family? The couple who start it. Sometimes a couple is all that ever is in a family, so it is very important that a couple be strong and whole. If the couple is not strong and whole, the family is...stunted. Negative emotions build and build, and even positive ones can become twisted if they are not expressed. The end result is a dysfunctional family that creates dysfunctional children, who grow up to start a dysfunctional family of their own. Since the family is the most basic building block of society, society becomes stunted and dysfunctional. This adds pressure to an already unstable relationship, and it becomes more unstable. Then society becomes more unstable. Do you see where I'm going with this?
In all of the discussions of equal rights, family values, affirmative action and so forth, the one thing that no one wants to discuss is how men work, how women work, and how they work together. This is one of the most important conversations, because this is where resolution begins. Oh, I've seen all the quizzes, the columns, the advice to the lovelorn and so on. They tend to be filled with words like "should", "can't", "won't", "must" and my personal favorite "stereotype". They speak of self actualization, boundaries, positive mental attitude, and perceptions. What they tend not to talk about is that little mad scientists' lab in our body called a hormonal system. They tend not to talk about the emotions, how strongly we are hit by them, or why. Technically, because of the chemical compounds we have bouncing around our bodies any given day, each of us is insane. The difference is, that men and women are insane in different ways. Testosterone in males creates aggression, sexuality, physical restlessness, strength and sometimes violence. Estrogen, on the other hand, creates passiveness, emotionalism, nurturing, and believe it or not, territorial ism. Over the next few days, we are going to discuss these chemical compounds, how we react to them, and how those reactions can be negative or positive, weak or strong. Stay tuned...it should be an interesting conversation.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Looking from where we were to where we are now
Please be aware that these blogs are not just for women. In fact, I think that most men will find that the opinions expressed here are oddly like their own. That doesn't mean that I am not talking to you ladies as well...it just means that I am trying to look at these issues not as a man (which I'm not) or as a woman (which I am) but as a human being. This is the one group that covers both men and women, so I'll try to take my perspective from that direction.
Life for women has changed a great deal for most of the developed countries. Many countries now allow women to own property, own money, work outside the home, vote, and other not so wonderful rights, such as smoking, divorce, and in some cases, abortion. Some of the less developed countries still have a good way to go before their women join Europe and North America in their quality of life. In Islamic countries, many women are prevented from working, or owning property. Very few have the right to divorce their husband. There are some countries and locales that still practice mutilation of the genitals on nubile young women. We clearly have a long way to go before we can honestly say that we all stand on equal ground.
That being said, there are some equalities between the sexes that still need work. Men have told me in the past, and I see every day that women have an advantage when it comes to custody of children, and the payment of child support. I strongly believe that if a couple divorces, that both parents are equally financially responsible for any children they have. Dad may be working, and paying child support, but Mom needs to work and provide as well. If she receives child support, it should be no larger an amount than she herself provides. If she pays $500 a month for rent and utilities, and another $250 in food for the children, then he should pay half of that amount. Not more than that, and not less. Pulling 65% of his income for his children means that he has trouble paying his own way, and what's the point in that? Child support needs to be more fair for both parties.
Another area that needs work in the equality department is sexual harrassment. Until the number of sexual harrassment charges by men about men increases because of inappropriate jokes, women are definitely in the lead in this area. In business conversations, there should be no such jokes or references. That's not professional. In a general conversation, however, that may occur, and women need to learn to either deal with it, or don't talk to people when conversation with them offends you. Either way, it will save a lot of money on harrassment charges, enforcement, and give the Human Resources department more time to put in all those raises. (Yes, I am joking. I know better.) If we take the enforcement of sexual harrassment away from those who get offended by raunchy jokes, and put it more into who is being victimized or forced for the sake of a salary, that is where the attention actually belongs, and for both men and women.
Come back tomorrow for the next part of the discussion of the battle of the sexes.
Life for women has changed a great deal for most of the developed countries. Many countries now allow women to own property, own money, work outside the home, vote, and other not so wonderful rights, such as smoking, divorce, and in some cases, abortion. Some of the less developed countries still have a good way to go before their women join Europe and North America in their quality of life. In Islamic countries, many women are prevented from working, or owning property. Very few have the right to divorce their husband. There are some countries and locales that still practice mutilation of the genitals on nubile young women. We clearly have a long way to go before we can honestly say that we all stand on equal ground.
That being said, there are some equalities between the sexes that still need work. Men have told me in the past, and I see every day that women have an advantage when it comes to custody of children, and the payment of child support. I strongly believe that if a couple divorces, that both parents are equally financially responsible for any children they have. Dad may be working, and paying child support, but Mom needs to work and provide as well. If she receives child support, it should be no larger an amount than she herself provides. If she pays $500 a month for rent and utilities, and another $250 in food for the children, then he should pay half of that amount. Not more than that, and not less. Pulling 65% of his income for his children means that he has trouble paying his own way, and what's the point in that? Child support needs to be more fair for both parties.
Another area that needs work in the equality department is sexual harrassment. Until the number of sexual harrassment charges by men about men increases because of inappropriate jokes, women are definitely in the lead in this area. In business conversations, there should be no such jokes or references. That's not professional. In a general conversation, however, that may occur, and women need to learn to either deal with it, or don't talk to people when conversation with them offends you. Either way, it will save a lot of money on harrassment charges, enforcement, and give the Human Resources department more time to put in all those raises. (Yes, I am joking. I know better.) If we take the enforcement of sexual harrassment away from those who get offended by raunchy jokes, and put it more into who is being victimized or forced for the sake of a salary, that is where the attention actually belongs, and for both men and women.
Come back tomorrow for the next part of the discussion of the battle of the sexes.
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